If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
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They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Cardio Made Easy
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money