Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised

Super Hand Dog Face

Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.

Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks

Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that

Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.

Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise

My body: You’re hungry

Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness

Body: eat literally any food

Me: will I ever know peace again?

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.

me: hello darkness my old friend

darkness: friend is a strong word

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”

When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black

I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks

If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids

If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady

If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch

Women can’t win

[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality

Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05

A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

And now we wait

Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.

On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.

“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”