Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: how’s your handwriting?

me: oh not bad

interviewer: what about the other letters?

If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station

Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.

He replied: My Mother-in-law!

We fist bumped.

WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on

Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…

Me: What’s the problem?

Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!

I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

babies ‍ gremlins
‍🤝

getting wet after midnight makes more

the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support

Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?

~me losing the war against gnats

Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes

Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms

Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home

Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great

Batman: I’m afraid of bats

Superman: I’m afraid of soup

My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

me: I was mugged by a snake

cop: was he armed?

me: *long pause* no

[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”

Grocery guy here with a reminder…

You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒

Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.

My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline

Me: When the edibles kick in

Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif

Me: Exactly

“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town

“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave

[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.