Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

favorite tropes as memes

Wife: Your problem is your incompetence

Me: I can hold my pee just fine

Husband: Why are you so grumpy?

Me: I’m not grumpy.

My face:

Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.

It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.

Husband: *snoring*

It’s like he’s trying to tell me something

*snoring*

What is it boy?

*snoring intensifies*

Timmy’s stuck in a well?

[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one

What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.

Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…

Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle

Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”

Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”

“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”

“I got this”

-hypochondriac reading Web MD

boss: can i see you in my office

me: [sheathing sword] why

Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.

My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.

Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.

Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all

Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”

teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong

I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.