Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?

I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.

Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.

[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.

“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”

People that don’t know how cake
works.

“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”

*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*

Me: Street Fight

Fluff me with a fork baby

Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches

Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac

Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad

Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive

Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*

Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*

Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*

Forever 21… pounds overweight

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

{1st day as a correctional therapist}

Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-

Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*

Me: OF YOUR MIND

Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*

[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]

WAITER: whaddaya have?

DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat

TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm

straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!

also straight people:

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.

My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today

They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’

Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?

[throwing out the baby]

Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!

I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.

King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!

“I’ll get gold”

“Frankincense”

“I’ll get myrrh”

Me: Can babies vape?

King: Actually 3 wise men is fine

Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*

Him: oh yeah

[my place]

Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!

Text:

Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.

Her: K

I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.