if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
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Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*