If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
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Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Happy Star Wars day!
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.