If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
You Might Also Like
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Split the bill
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
First date
Him: tell me about yourself
Me in a singsong voice: ok but you’re not gonna like it
If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.