If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
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Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Honey I made you some hotdog water
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Sorry I’m late. My catapult malfunctioned.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.