No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
You Might Also Like
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Unexpected Judgment
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.