Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”

“How are your resurrecting skills?”

🤣🤣🤣

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

HER: so like, what are you into?

ME: coincidences

HER: no way, me too!

The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.

When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.

Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.

Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit

screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉

She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.

Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?

*holds up 6 fingers* This many

Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”

My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing

no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat

*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?

Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.

I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.

Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows

I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.

Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over

I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up

You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont

[blind date]

HER: I love sports!

ME: Uh…me too

HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass

ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth

a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)

I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.

Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.

age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch

age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks

I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous

“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”

-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago