If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
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When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
#CatsOnTwitter
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message