If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
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when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
Me: *panicking*
Friend: just go with your gut
Me: *panicking while eating nachos*
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Most Common Source of Electricity
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.