Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?

him: no but I did see him play checkers

“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”

Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.

Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.

[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!

Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me

Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread

Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”

Breaking news:

based

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better

Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.

I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.

I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.

I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.

My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said

One hundred and fat

My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself

6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?

Me: For cups.

6: But you can’t drink and drive.

“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”

– Old Southern Proverb

A poor analogy is like a bad comparison

Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.