@rachelmillman

if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know

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@chadopitz

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

@impaulmccoy

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.

@SpenceDen

If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.

@caithuls

PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-

ME: [raises hand]

PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand

@DanTaylorAuthor

Me: *gets in from fishing trip*

Girlfriend: did you catch anything?

Me: *sighs* just an old boot

Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?

@SortaBad

My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault

@CrockettsBeard

My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…