if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
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My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
oh my god
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.