if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
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You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…
I know a bad idea when I see one.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no