Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated

I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.

In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif

“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”

not going to work.

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

it’s not been my year

her: i only date woke guys

me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.

someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.

[White Castle]

YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.

ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.

[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*

[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*

parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”

If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.

my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman

[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?

When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”

*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.

*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.

Milk Cube

[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in

If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️

Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train

I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.

Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.

I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado

Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.