Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.

How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?

Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol

Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?

As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat

Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you

Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.

Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here

Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?

Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate

My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢

not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️

“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”

I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.

She said yes.

Part ways through the first episode she asks:

“I wonder when we meet Evan.”

I asked, who?

She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”

“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.

Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

*puts words between two asterisks*

date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.

me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*

Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.

Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this

For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.

therapist: what do you see

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see. and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.

Canada’s plan to take over the US is coming along nicely.

They sent down cold & snow to places that almost never get it.

Well played Canada, well played.