Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.

CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party

When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are

I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.

Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.

1965~ Wow Cher looks good

1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good

1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good

2020 ~Wow Cher looks good

3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good

detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ

her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol

me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all

Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]

“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”

*limbos away from your hug*

me: [trying to cheat in an exam]

teacher: I’m married

At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.

Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*

[At the funfair]

*Fire alarm sounds*

Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker

for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.

In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.

My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”

A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged

Weirdly Wednesday.

How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.

I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”

4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?

Me: You were born 3 years later.

4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*

[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”

Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…

When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”