Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.

From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin

Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket

[Ninja Dojo]

Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?

Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.

*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.

If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.

My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.

Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .

The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.

I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.

me after drinking all the wine:

Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.

me: will you please pass the bee barf?

wife: please stop calling the honey that.

I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.

New skill unlocked

Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.

Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.

“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”

“Oh. CrossFit?”

“No. Gambling.”

I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.

me: i’m proposing to my gf

sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man

me: i need a ring lol

sonic: *nervous* haha

me: *pulling out a baseball bat*

When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.

My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?

Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda

God: you’re a bird.

Penguin: yay!

God: but you can’t fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you need way more feathers to fly.

Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.

[flying squirrel glides by]

Penguin:

God: technically that’s not flying lol.

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.

Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?