If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
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I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
WTF
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.