Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.

New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.

Cashiers are always checking me out

9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.

wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction

me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece

The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG

Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.

Mean things I kind of want to do:

1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.

2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”

Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.

Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one

Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it

Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.

Me: My body is a temple

Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?

Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus

got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running

My current diet all ends with an S.

Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.

me: I want to buy some drugs

dealer: are you a cop

me: would I get a discount

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.

If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter

Him: I think we should see other people

Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why

If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.

Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?

“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”

Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.

Nobody:

My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.