Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?

banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“Was I speeding?”

“No. Because you have a pony tail.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Sir, you’re over 40.”

“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.

I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me

Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.

Friend: That’s not the saying!

Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!

ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?

GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy

ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that

Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.

Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.

“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.

I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again

toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]

You’ll be OK

Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?

[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation

In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.

girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store

florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter

“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

Not. Even. Joking.

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: I use bad words

Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here

Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear

Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.

me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city

delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives

me: ..you’re so pretty

Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill

fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house