If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
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“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine