Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!

wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?

Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.

Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.

Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”

how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one

I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.

Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.

date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young

birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn

Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land

Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

me: I need a new shirt

stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?

Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.

I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

[house party]

ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?

HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?

ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?

Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs

A horror story:

You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.

That’s it that’s the whole story.

The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.

Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.

Therapist: still on the first card.

Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.

Customer: Really? I don’t like it.

Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT

My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.

Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.

If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.