If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
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damn he’s good
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Canada’s plan to take over the US is coming along nicely.
They sent down cold & snow to places that almost never get it.
Well played Canada, well played.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent