Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.

Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.

I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.

[at the general store]

me: one general please

Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

True story 🤣

Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.

He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous

Me: What’s your strongest weakness?

Candidate: …

*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up

M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.

Went and got a new library card.

Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…

They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.

If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.

Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.

1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.

grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.

[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..

*Flintstones theme song plays*

Murdered

Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?

There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.

Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla

I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.