Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?

Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter

I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.

Kids: *misbehaving in public*

Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.

me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays

spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6

Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons

If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.

9yo: (mouths off to me)

Me:

Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.

Me: Patience

(1 hour later)

9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?

Me: What charger?

Hubs: Nice one.

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti

Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.

I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.

Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three

HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!

I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake

how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense

The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.

You can’t make me breathe heavy.

You aren’t a flight of stairs.

I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.

I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

#Caturday

Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.

[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat

My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals

No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.