If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
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I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer