If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
You Might Also Like
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know