If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
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Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Tell me you get it…🤣
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.