Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.

Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck

Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert

[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.

ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.

GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.

Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?

*Laughs in 2020*

god: rabbits

angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing

god: ya they do that

angel: they’re multiplying

god: they’ll slow down

angel: they aren’t slowing down

god: holy shit

angel: they won’t stOP FU

[ next day ]

god: porcupines

Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are

When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?

Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you can usually trust me

Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.

“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer

If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.

[Me as 911 Operator]

*phone rings*

I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”

My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting

howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.

Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.

Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes

Me: I roll to attack.

Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.

Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.

Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.

Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.

My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood

me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂

me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers

Autocorrect completely socks

The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today

ME: oh, wow

BARISTA: yup

[awkward pause]

ME: could…could you get it down?

I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.