If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
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The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
These aren’t even hard anymore.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Stop sending me this shit.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.