If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
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My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
😲 WTF? 😆
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Cats are still liquid.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
When your man makes a valid point