If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
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How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.