If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
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Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.