If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
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There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.