If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
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You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned