@JoshuaHvr

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

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@Sarcasticsapien

I hate when people say “Look at me when I’m talking to you.” I mean, c’mon, one inconvenience at a time.

@LoriLuvsShoes

It’s really cute how my 16 slams her bedroom door, in the house that I pay for, every time she gets pissed off. So…I took away the door

@roxiqt

ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?

HIM: Beers

ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.

@hazelmotes1

On the Titanic 0 people died from alcohol poisoning and 1,500 people died from drinking too much water. You decide which is more dangerous.

@coolauntV

boss:

me:

boss:

me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]

@dafloydsta

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

@bossy_bootz

Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there

@BoomBoomBetty

[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]

“Rest in peace.”

My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.

@Darlainky

Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.

Middle age: Hold my beer.

Me: What?

@markedly

*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones