Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.

please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking

I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet

Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)

Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days

😂🐈‍⬛

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]

MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!

What in the hell is “disposable income”?

I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”

Welcome

[meeting at amc network]

“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*

I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.

At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.

Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.

I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.

Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.

Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.

I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

the male barbie should’ve been named barbo

As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.

No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.

Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it

Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties