If you factor in the complimentary drinks, I only lost 3000 dollars at blackjack.
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My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.