Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.

My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.

[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]

Board: B A L L

Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!

Board: T R E A T S

I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working

Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

*does the robot*

*crowd goes wild*

*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*

What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”

Signature Move

The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense

me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea

[10pm]

me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea

“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”

A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.

My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day

Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher

Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.

I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.

Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

[group therapy]

IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist

[others nod]

ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone

[screaming]

[Ian pukes]

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: A penguin.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.

ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

[construction site]

NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine

FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds

NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this