If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
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[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow