If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
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It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
