If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
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Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
