Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shakespeare: murder most foul…

goose: what the duck did you just say?!

the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second

i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite

Me: We will leave in a little bit

8: After you put your makeup on?

Me: I have my makeup on!

8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”

11:34: Arrived at crime scene

11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle

11:34: Found murder weapon in drain

11:34: Realized watch was broken

Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.

Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly

“Of course I’ve tried that!”

– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it

3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*

Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*

3: THAT WAS MINE!

black phone good

Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.

Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button

[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best

Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.

I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead

Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.

I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.

Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”

[Walmart customer service]

ME: i want to talk to the manager.

MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?

ME: no, i just want to talk.

If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

Me: I’m cutting back on wine!

Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .

The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.