@grimpossible

If you fall down in public the best thing to do is stay down, use your fingernails to dig your way to another country then start a new life.

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@BGH70

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

@WheelTod

In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.

@Ygrene

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

@stockejock

Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.

@AngryRaccoon2

Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.

@anerdonfire2

The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly

@IamEnidColeslaw

who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes

@PetrickSara

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

@UncleDuke1969

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”