Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
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There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.