[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
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Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO