If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
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My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.