If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
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Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
They got Luigi out here like Hannibal Lecter, and the general public is still like, “WOULD”.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.