If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
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Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
quarantine day 3
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit