If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
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*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”