If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
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gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*