Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.

Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.

Me: Awww.

Date: *leans in for a kiss*

Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”

Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps

me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?

4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie

me:

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser

My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.

[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit

how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year

serving silly goose instead of turkey

If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.

Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?

Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America

i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.

Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it

Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!

My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.

which auto response should i send back to my dentist?

If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

you, an idiot: *eats a snack*

me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*

Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?

Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.

I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”

Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you