If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
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Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
I love the honesty
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
I’m confused about plants
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*