If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
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Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Oh, I bet you would be
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Icarus loved hot wings.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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