If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Good morning
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
