If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
