If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
