If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
smh
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
