Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before a PhD: I don’t know.

After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.

When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.

Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life

Tapped in

Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?

If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.

When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug

Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*

My gynecologist: can you not?

If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.

ME: Whatcha doin?

WIFE: Watchin Dune.

ME: I asked you first, Sharon.

Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine

Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.

Me: I burn it when you leave.

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”

My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

bags with threatening auras

I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.

it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?

Me: Well, we have a problem.

Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.

Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.

I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.

horse: is ur name liam

liam neeson: yea?

horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie

liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me

Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up

This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics

We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.

[The Last Supper]

Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.

chews marshmallows with bovine intensity

She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*

Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”