Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.

Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British

You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money

My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.

batter: *hits homer*

Simpson: ow

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.

Joseph Smith, 1833

We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.

Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.

We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.

I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?

Because they have such big fingers.

Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…

Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)

20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys

30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car

40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids

if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth

A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.

“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”

*Buys everyone snacks

Good lord

me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn

Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.

We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”

Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*

Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.

Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.

Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor

Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.

best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.