If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
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By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
🤣
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.