@praisecheese

If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.

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@Cpin42

HER: Whisper in my ear

ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star

@itsWillyFerrell

My poem: I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig.
It’s not a very good poem, but it’s very deep.

@mollzbenn

I brought a hot glue gun to the gun range and it was awkward at first, but now we’ve created so many memories.

@VampireIguana

Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?

Eve: Uh yeah, totally

@BourbonLuv

I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before!

@perhapssomeday

My mother arrives on Friday, so I have to do three months worth of cleaning in 48 hours. Also, lose 30 pounds and live up to my potential.

@iamspacegirl

me as a realtor:
This house does include a crawl space. It’s probably full of bones already, but you can always add more bones yourself.

@poppiesandcake

If what we are doing here is art, then my Tweets could be classified as kindergarten finger painting.

@Zombie_Kitv2

Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.