If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
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me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.