HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
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My poem: I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig.
It’s not a very good poem, but it’s very deep.
I brought a hot glue gun to the gun range and it was awkward at first, but now we’ve created so many memories.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before!
My mother arrives on Friday, so I have to do three months worth of cleaning in 48 hours. Also, lose 30 pounds and live up to my potential.
me as a realtor:
This house does include a crawl space. It’s probably full of bones already, but you can always add more bones yourself.
Spotted in New Orleans.
If what we are doing here is art, then my Tweets could be classified as kindergarten finger painting.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.