If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
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I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Body by Oreos
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner