Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.

I’ll stop now.

DOCTOR: wut brings you in today

ME: im feeling funny

*an hour later*

DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t

a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself

Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.

HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*

I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.

me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?

Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.

[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow

To make a long story short:

Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die

Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball

Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.

want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever

Merry Christmas…in my pants

Happy New Year…in my pants

If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.

I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-

Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ

A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.

If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?

Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.

Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.

Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids

My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.

I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.

my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her

[scrolling hinge while high] am I really to determine the future love of my life by whether or not they put pineapple on pizza

[scrolling hinge while drunk] I see you also like hanging out. do u wanna get matching tattoos

[checking into a hotel]

Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away

Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here