If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
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I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.