If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
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[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.
Friend: Including you?
Me: Actually, scratch that idea.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you regifted it to your janitor.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Lmao 😁
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
This is a true ally.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”