Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.

Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.

Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

just wait til i figure out what algorithm means

My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.

Friends: Come have a drink with us!

Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.

Friends: C’mon, just one!

Me: Okay, maybe just one…

[ 11 drinks later ]

Me:

parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”

When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.

triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit

Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady

It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally

Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?

Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.

Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.

Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.

Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry

I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today

Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“

i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now

Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…

A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?

I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.

Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.

When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.

Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person

CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.