Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months

Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert

Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know

Me: what?

Nurse: Coldplay sucks

I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.

Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.

My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.

Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.

Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.

Me: I did not.

Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.

Me: I’m not feeding you.

Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.

If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.

Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up

To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.

[HIGH SCHOOL]

teacher: you’ll use calculus one day

[AGE 40]

me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know

“amateurs”

~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

~What is your sin, child?

My husband and I are arguing

~That’s very common.

…about my boyfriend.

Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for

Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard

Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”

When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.

Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!

bird keeper: ok hear me out.

Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!

ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!

WIFE: I never loved you

ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.

Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..

Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”

Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

* charges phone.

Phone: wrong hole.