Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26

“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted

Phone: Unlock using Face ID.

Me: [looks at phone]

Phone: Ugh.

When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this

My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds

wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!

wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?

8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up

tag yourself

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”

New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”

If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.

If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us

It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.

I got bills

They’re multiplying

Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”

Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”

“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.

Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

[inventing jogging]

how can i suffer but with music

The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.