Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes

EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?

BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.

Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*

Pirate Lois Lane: OMG

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream

wife: what did he say?

me: he kept laughing at me

If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”

My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.

I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?

I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…

Every Law & Order episode should end with:

“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”

Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.

thinking about a very short hotdog

Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.

Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs

Hallmark movie writer’s room:

“Alright, let’s get started.”

(4 minutes later)

“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”

Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.

Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.

What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat

What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!

All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.

The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW

Where’s Waldo?

*Leans in*

Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither

me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings

me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.

Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”

When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet