If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
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I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose