@tokyo_sexwhale

If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.

You Might Also Like

@myles_morrison

I can tell everything I need to know about a person by how they cut their sandwich.
Diagonal = normal
Straight = serial killer
No cut = dad

@TrueQuixote

Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.

@MsKitty101

For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.

@ZanyJaney11

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

@Tmoney68

*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*

“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”

[5 minutes later]

*Throws refrigerator out window*

@shawnspree

It’s not sex until you walk away with a nose bleed, and the Eye Of The Tiger song is still playing in your head.

@bourgeoisalien

I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.

@AaronFullerton

Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.

@climaxximus

real estate agent: this house has 1 bedroom, 50 hallways, and it’s haunted.

pacman: sold

@KenJennings

*Jesus comes into the house*
Judas: Jesus, close the door! Were you born in a barn?
*room gets super quiet*
Judas: Uh right. I forgot. Sorry