If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.

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I can tell everything I need to know about a person by how they cut their sandwich.
Diagonal = normal
Straight = serial killer
No cut = dad


Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.


For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.


Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.


*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*

“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”

[5 minutes later]

*Throws refrigerator out window*


It’s not sex until you walk away with a nose bleed, and the Eye Of The Tiger song is still playing in your head.


I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.


Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.


real estate agent: this house has 1 bedroom, 50 hallways, and it’s haunted.

pacman: sold


*Jesus comes into the house*
Judas: Jesus, close the door! Were you born in a barn?
*room gets super quiet*
Judas: Uh right. I forgot. Sorry