if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
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date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Ron is short for Aaronald
yes… yes…
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.