Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.

Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift

It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me

Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy

Husband: *snoring*

It’s like he’s trying to tell me something

*snoring*

What is it boy?

*snoring intensifies*

Timmy’s stuck in a well?

I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.

the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever

Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?

Me: No Sir it will be round

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭

NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?

ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]

Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?

I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”

Wife: I’m going out now

Me: Wait! Where are you going?

Wife: Yes.

*door slams*

While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.

GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.

Tried to steal some candy from a baby.

I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me

They lied about how easy that was.

*wipes off Chapstick

Weigh me now

remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust

[guy about to invent bowling]

let’s have some fun, but not too much

#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones

After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.

All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!

*eats 3 fries*

5yo: Can I be done?

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”